The Real Terrorists

US Republican Rep. Peter King, who is set to chair the House Homeland Security Committee, says he wants to designate WikiLeaks a “foreign terrorist organization” because it is damaging to “not only our national interests in fighting the war on terror, but also undermines the very safety of coalition forces in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

The whistleblower website leaked 250,000 diplomatic cables on Sunday in coordination with five major Western media outlets. The documents – most of which date from 2007 to February of this year — reveal confidential details and indiscreet asides on diplomatic communications across the globe.

According to King, naming WikiLeaks a terror group would help the US “to seize their assets, and we would be able to stop anyone from helping them in any way.”

And that’s how you know WikiLeaks is on to something…

But really, Mr. King, your designation of terror groups – especially on behalf of homeland security – is better channeled toward more serious, lethal threats… like the cascading rolls of flab that hang over the belt buckle of most American citizens. Danger ahead… it’s a Fatalanche!!!


Take, for instance, the vomit-inducing, genetically engineered pieces of fried carcinogenic fat they’re offering at KFC. Instead of using two slices of bread, the Double Down sandwich (pictured above) is held together by two slabs of fried chicken. The inside is filled with bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese and the Colonel’s “special sauce.”

You know who else should be designated part of a terrorist group? Women who go shopping the morning after Thanksgiving on Black Friday.

Watch as eager shoppers are trampled on in the rush to enter the store, and one woman’s near-hopeless attempt keep her wig on after it’s knocked right off her head.

They’re vicious, desperate, coercive, intimidating and generally morbidly obese. American consumers, flesh rolls and fast food chains: the real terrorists.

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