Jimbo: Sympathy-seeking political prostitute

Hello, my name is Walid Jumblatt and I’m a sympathy-seeking political prostitute.

The Progressive Socialist Party leader told As-Safir newspaper on Tuesday that he is “frustrated and disappointed” in the current Lebanese situation. “I give up,” Jimbo said.

You may recall back in January Jimbo’s decision to effectively side with March 8 after the collapse of the government.

Nearly five months later (sigh) and we remain without new leadership because of a plethora of problems driven by incompetent, power-hungry whores who apparently want us to feel sorry for them as they publicly vent feelings of distress and self-loathing over the current impasse.

Look, Jimbo, I’m not a licensed therapist by trade, but hours of watching unrealistic feel-good TV shows that resolve major life crises in a span of 30 minutes (or less, if you take into account commercials) has taught me that a good dose of depressing chick music, Jell-O shots, a Star Trek marathon and the purchase of several new pairs of socks will magically resolve all of your problems.

You could also get really angry and start punching holes into your bedroom wall using only your bare fists while screaming out melodramatic nonsense involving monkey ninjas and your affinity for nail polish. Later, you can blame it on a “chemical imbalance” when your parents approach you about seeing a therapist.

You know, Jimbo, I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for you. But here’s the thing: I’d rather gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon and swallow them whole before I even begin to feign feelings of empathy for you.

So here’s the best advice you’re going to get, and it’s something the Lebanese people – who have little to no say in what really matters – have mastered: you will feel so much better when you just give up hope altogether.

Also, cut out all the negative people in your life and keep yourself busy. Build a fort or something. And go see Saad, would you?

Misery loves company.

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