Girl, I feel you. I really do.
I was that weird kid in the back of the classroom squeezing packets of the magic that is Heinz 57 into my mouth, and other exposed extremities, throughout middle school.
So I’ll let you in on a little dating secret of mine: I’m convinced that you can assess your potential compatibility with a guy based on his answer to a series of seemingly inane questions.
You know what tops my list, second only to: “Are you a murderer?”
This is an absolute must-ask: –“Do you like condiments?”–
Now, before we go any further, let me just say that if for some freakishly inappropriate reason a dude answers ‘no’ to this question, then we can’t be together. We just can’t.
I’ve met your kind, and it is a cruel, dark world you live in.
So after he answers ‘yes,’ to the first question, go ahead and refer to my ‘Condiment-Personality Chart Answer Key’ to find out if he’s the right kind of mindless, meathead for your irrational, mustard-loving mammary glands.
CONDIMENT-PERSONALITY CHART ANSWER KEY
Ketchup – predictable, but easy to get along with.
Mustard – boring. Probably also frigid in bed.
Mayonnaise – fatty.
Mustard and Mayonnaise mixed together – argumentative, but likes to try new things.
Tartar Sauce – can’t be trusted.
Honey Mustard – marry me. Right now. “Til death do us part.” Say it. [Also tends to be impulsive and socially awkward.]
Horseradish – hairy chest, most likely of Polish origin.
Barbeque Sauce – Adventurous, knows how to have a good time, or otherwise orchestrate it.
Hot Sauce – A certified stud, but tends to act selfish and insecure.
Relish – eccentric and imaginative, but watch out for anger-control issues.
Cocktail Sauce – [facial expression = horrified] why would you say this?
Oil and Vinegar – Generally good-natured but can be manipulative.
Ranch – 100 percent wild and rebellious. Often self-indulgent.
Blue Cheese – difficult to please but open-minded and sociable.
Thousand Island Dressing – grandma, is that you?
Sweet and Sour sauce – praise the Lord. And by that I mean, you best start praying. You probably have diabetes.
Not happy with any of these descriptions? Drink some milk then, you crazy b*tch. It helps reduce the symptoms of PMS according to this sexist ad campaign.